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Talk:AlBis/@comment-108.20.202.95-20130224004545
Good evening and hello! I was doing a cursory (originally) search on Alzack and Bisca, and in doing so came across this sight (pun not intended). I find this site useful, as well as intriguing. But alas, I noticed several, egregious mistakes that I think may need a little bit of a re-write, specifically the second paragraph on the description of Alzack. A re-write that I would propose would be thus: “Alzack is a kind and determined individual who loves his comrades, and is willing to risk his life to fight for them. However, this determination of his seems to weaken when it comes to his romantic pursuit of Bisca Connell. Nevertheless, Alzack displayed extreme dedication towards Bisca, as seen when he attempted to save her from being petrified and destroyed by Evergreen, going as far as to fight his own guild mates to do so. Finally, after the timeskip, his relationship comes into fruition when he and Bisca marry each other, having a daughter, Asuka.” The problems that I have noticed in the second paragraph were somewhat minor, but still needed to be fixed: *There is a heavy use of “however” in the brief paragraph (3 out of the 4 sentences use “however”) *The paragraph’s use of “however” is actually quite contradictory to the actual meaning of “however” (the last sentence and the third sentence, specifically). *The third sentence contains somewhat irrelevant information: the fact that Laxus ordered Evergreen to do the petrifying, the fact that Alzack would not forgive him (Laxus was banished by the master, making it clear that he was not forgiven). (Brevity is best! :) ) *The second sentence is not clear as to what the author it means. (I take the author to mean that Alzack is a determined and strong willed character, but he seems to falter when it comes to officially chasing after Bisca). *“Disappear” makes no sense, because his determination is still there, but is just put to a harsher test. *”However, this determination of him…” makes no sense, because of “him” is not a possessive article, and the “determination” is the object, or the noun, that Alzack possesses. Likewise, I believe that the re-write solves these problems: *There is only a single use of “however” *The single use of “however” stays true to both the meaning of the author’s sentence, and the definition of “however” itself. *The revision shortened the sentence, while also retaining necessary information. * “Weakened” embodies both the idea that Alzack still loves Bisca, and is determined to make her his wife, but that he also has a hard time truthfully admitting it. *The replacement of “him” to “his” is suitable because it follows grammatical rules. I hope that my explanation acceptable, and that my revision is appropriate. If I may modify the article, I would be happy to do so. Or, for that matter, anyone else who is far more experienced than I am with wiki-editing may definitetly take it upon themself to do so. Thank you, and please reply if you agree with my possible revision, or would like to further revise it.